"are you tired of me?"

A couple of days ago I met the two cutest little girls in the entire world. No lie. I hadn't known them for five minutes when they started calling me 'jiejie' and insisted that I play with them. They're sweet and friendly and, for some unknown reason, always fight over sitting next to me or holding my hand. (Man, I love friendly kids).

We took them to the zoo yesterday and it was a lot of fun. : ) I realized that I hadn't been to the zoo in over a decade, which made me feel really old. But I reverted back to my squealing 8-year-old self when I saw the koalas! (Man, I love koalas :0).

Anyway, there were a few things that I noticed about these girls. 1) They wanted to copy every single thing I did. haha. If I put on my sunglasses, the little one would ask to borrow her mother's sunglasses. If I drank from my water bottle, the older one would take a swig too. If I started singing a song under my breath, they would be my echo. They wanted to be just like me. 2) They wanted my attention, my acceptance, and my love. They got into so many little squabbles over who would sit by me on the next bus ride or hold my hand on the next trek to a different part of the park. Until finally, their mother-- fearing for my sanity-- said that they should both just stop bothering me because I was probably tired of catering to them.

At this, the older girl peered at me with a concerned look and she squeezed my hand as she asked, "Are you tired of me? You tell me, okay?" And that just did a number on my heart-strings. She could've asked me to carry her on my back the rest of the day and I would've done it. I looked at her and loved her. I told her she was being silly. That I loved spending time with her and would never get tired of her. I wrapped her up in my arms and tried to erase the question from her mind.

I wondered later about the significance of that question. "Are you tired of me?" (There's a question behind that question, but I'll get to that in a second). I feel like it's a question that I've asked sporadically throughout my life, that maybe everyone asks of others at some point. (Secretly, of course. Rhetorically). It's a question that says something about how you view yourself and how you view the person in question. It says that you think someone's love is conditional. And it says that you might not think you're worthy of someone's love. Maybe someone made you feel like you weren't worth it. And you have a hard time conjuring up your own voice in your head that will say how wrong that lie is. Because a few of the questions behind that question are: could you get tired of me? Am I lovable? Will you stick around? Could you really love me? Can I trust you?

And so I'm sitting here at twenty-two years of age marveling at the fact that an 8-year-old's question hit me so hard. Maybe it's because I've just come back from a retreat and I'm feeling all introspective... or maybe because this has been a long time coming. But I think I've been asking God a few of those behind-the-scenes questions for a while now. Because sometimes I feel like an 8-year-old little girl. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to emulate a Christ-like life so I can ensure that He'll see me and love me-- so I can hold his approval. So I know He won't leave me high and dry. And I wonder if this is all because someone I loved ended up walking away... and if that skewed my view of what love is really like and what God is really like.

All I know is that I don't want to keep asking those kinds of questions anymore. I just want to walk with Him and hold His hand and have Him, in His own way, wrap me up in His arms and erase them from my mind.