[can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?]

"You were right about everything.
You just weren't right about me."
- 500 Days of Summer

I couldn't keep myself from staring. I had to consciously tear my eyes away from his face. His eyes. The curve of his jaw. I tried my hardest to act natural-- to not act at all. And at first the laughter sounded a little too loud, a little too forced. But after a while, it came so natural. And we were laughing at each other again; it felt normal to be among friends. Almost.

But even after all this time, it's still a little strange. Sneaking glances at him, I wondered if my eyes were as wide as my eternal bewilderment. Over what? I'm not quite sure myself. That we didn't work, perhaps. That he broke my heart. That I could stare at him now and not cry. That I wouldn't hold it against him for smiling, for being happy. That I could laugh... with him.

See, when 'we' ended I felt like everything I had ever thought about love was shattered. Tarnished. Ripped to shreds. For three and a half years, I had tasted love and it was delectable. I had never felt so safe and cared for, never so sure of anything in my entire life. His was the face in my dreams. His was the hand I wanted to hold. His were the feet I wanted to walk with me through life, right on past our white picket fence and into our future. I know it sounds cheesy... but I believed in cheesy. But when we were done, I realized that maybe I had gotten it all wrong. Maybe there were no modern day fairy tales. Maybe love was a story people told themselves at night so they'd sleep better. Maybe destiny, soulmates, and cheesiness were all overrated. Maybe there was no Mr. Right and never would be. Maybe I just needed to suck it up.

"Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way."
- Jason Mraz & James Morrison's "Details in the Fabric

But as I stared at him the other night, as we played a card game with friends and sipped on the best boba I'd ever tasted, that movie quote came floating to the forefront of my mind: You were right about everything; you just weren't right about me. The realization swept over me like a breeze. Maybe it was true of us. So we didn't work out. So it hurt a lot. In the end, maybe we just weren't right for one another. And okay, maybe love isn't a fairy tale and not every story (even mine) will end up with a white picket fence kind of deal.

But maybe... just maybe, there's someone out there for me. And it probably won't be perfect, but I do hope that it'll be a little cheesy.
(Much like this entry, ha! No, but seriously... :0)