sometimes i think of you and i'm angry again - not usually, not even often or once in a while - but on those rare occasions that i think of you - and i remember - i want to blame you for everything - for the snowball of hurt that you sent my way - that just picked up speed on its way down - knocking others over in its frenzy - because it's not fair - i broke a heart like it was no big deal - like snapping a leaf off a tree branch - and i can't blame him for being in pieces - no more than i can blame myself for being angry - at you - because you said forever - god, how freaking cliche - because you said it was you and me - in it to win it - but hell, i was in it - and yeah, you won my heart - but where did that get me - what did that get me - (it's 3AM and i must be lonely)

i hate that you have so much of me - my living journal, my walking diary - so many stories told and found in you - now lost forever - it's no wonder i made the cry of a wounded animal - when i hurled your news across the room - i knew a part of me was dying or would - do you even know how you broke me - how i am still picking up the pieces - shouldn't i be done by now - isn't this over yet - (i hate that your memory can still hurt me)

and i just feel it all over again - the pain comes crashing over me - like an old friend with a bear hug - crushing me to itself until i'm forced to remember - and i'm forced to feel - and that old ache swells again in my chest - and the lump rises again in my throat - and i remember how it felt to be choking on air - suffocating amidst the dust of my world in shambles around me - i can feel it

and in moments - it's gone - and i remember the boy - but i don't remember the feeling anymore - all i know is that it is not in my nature to forgive - i wonder if i'll ever really get there - but i'm breathing now - and that must mean something