[NEWS]

I LOVE MY NEPHEW AND MY GODSON
THEY ARE SO FREAKING CUTE OH MAH GAHHHHRSH!!


Just sayin'. :)

"can't stand it // i know ya planned it"

i eat oatmeal at four in the morning.
i google lyrics to obscure songs.
i pace.
i organize files on my computer.
i play bejeweled.
i hide.

[hear me through my silence]

(this has my fingerprints all over it
and it reeks of the familiar).

i remember losing my balance,
being bent over backwards
and tossed about in the waves.
i remember pleas that i cried out on keys
at hours of the night when nothing good ever happens.
i remember the calls i'm ashamed i made
thinking that if could draw out tendrils of feeling--
even if it was pity--
i could draw it about me like a blanket.
i never stopped to think
that i'd lose me in the process.

i see you. and i'm sorry.
but i can't be the one to fix you.
and sometimes it's better to be broken... first.
would you let Him pick up the pieces that you and i can't?

(this is for me too).

[my questions are never fair]

it's about control - and this is why i clean my room - why my floor is immaculate tonight - this morning - why my pens are all the right side up and my receipts are all in order - this is why my dollar bills all face the same way and why my books line my shelves - it's my way of saying my world is alright - that there are things i can fix - that i can force to stay - and be - here - in this way

[the leaves are changing and flying by]

This morning he asked me to describe this phase of my life in one sentence.

this odd transition year, filled to the brim with change. learning how to live this post-grad life. how to maintain friendships and try to branch out for new ones at the same time-- feeling defiant and lonely at the same time. longing for a time when friends were less than a phone call away-- they were right down the street or right down the hall or next door. figuring out community and ministry in a new place. being in a new place! working with a team-- learning how to be. finding my voice, rediscovering myself in a sense. or maybe just re-establishing. being a shoulder and a nudge, a comfort and a push at the same time. learning how to love and challenge in one fell swoop. knowing just when things start to gel that i'll need to leave. feeling the urgency of the temporary. constant change, always whooshing past me. whirling around me. on to the next thing. uprooting and re-planting like steps to a dance i don't know quite yet. stumbling and bumbling over my own feet and choices and breaths.

Indeed. The leaves are changing and flying by. It's all I can do to keep from getting bowled over.

sometimes i think of you and i'm angry again - not usually, not even often or once in a while - but on those rare occasions that i think of you - and i remember - i want to blame you for everything - for the snowball of hurt that you sent my way - that just picked up speed on its way down - knocking others over in its frenzy - because it's not fair - i broke a heart like it was no big deal - like snapping a leaf off a tree branch - and i can't blame him for being in pieces - no more than i can blame myself for being angry - at you - because you said forever - god, how freaking cliche - because you said it was you and me - in it to win it - but hell, i was in it - and yeah, you won my heart - but where did that get me - what did that get me - (it's 3AM and i must be lonely)

i hate that you have so much of me - my living journal, my walking diary - so many stories told and found in you - now lost forever - it's no wonder i made the cry of a wounded animal - when i hurled your news across the room - i knew a part of me was dying or would - do you even know how you broke me - how i am still picking up the pieces - shouldn't i be done by now - isn't this over yet - (i hate that your memory can still hurt me)

and i just feel it all over again - the pain comes crashing over me - like an old friend with a bear hug - crushing me to itself until i'm forced to remember - and i'm forced to feel - and that old ache swells again in my chest - and the lump rises again in my throat - and i remember how it felt to be choking on air - suffocating amidst the dust of my world in shambles around me - i can feel it

and in moments - it's gone - and i remember the boy - but i don't remember the feeling anymore - all i know is that it is not in my nature to forgive - i wonder if i'll ever really get there - but i'm breathing now - and that must mean something

"Every woman I've ever met feels it--
something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does.
An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.
I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time.
Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough,
not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.
But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive,
too strong, too opinionated, too messy.
The result is Shame, the universal companion of women.
It haunts us, nipping at our heels,
feeding on our deepest fear
that we will end up abandoned and alone."
- Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

sometimes i think i feel too much
(all that's left is all of me)

[on resolutions]

I said I'd give You my attitude, didn't I?
Help me give it to You again today.
And tomorrow. And the next day.
And the next...